A collaborative blog for Current Affairs and Policy Debate

Pressure

In Uncategorized on July 12, 2017 at 1:18 pm

Today is an off day. I feel numb and just want to give up and sleep for a week with no expectations to meet and nobody to disappoint.

Yesterday was my first day at work after 3 weeks off due to a head injury and concussion. I’ve been moved whilst away so am working on unfamiliar wards with a new place and new people each day. I feel…lost.

Every so often I have days where I realise the true weight of everything I’m up against and I feel incapable. I feel I am useless at making anybody happy, at being stoic and strong, at being OK with the changes that I’ve experienced. I think back to my time as a juggernaut where I’d work, go to the gym, and socialise all in the same day without a care…and I feel like a wreck.

Trying to juggle a partner, house, job, socialising and my health is utterly exhausting and I feel constantly on edge. I’ve got so many plates spinning I’m just waiting for the crash and an explosion of pieces all over me.

Ultimately I know I’m lucky to have so much as to feel overwhelmed…but fibro is overwhelming all by itself.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I may look like I’m doing well with the gym and a job etc but in all honesty I’m frightened and doing my best just trying not to fall flat on my face. Nobody is perfect and when all we show others is the good side we become hollow caricatures of ourselves. So this is me, avoiding being just a 2D piece of writing and being honest when I say sometimes it just plain sucks.

I’m looking forward to a better day.

*gentle hugs*

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