A collaborative blog for Current Affairs and Policy Debate

David Cameron Welcomes New Liberal Democat to No. 10

In Home Affairs, The Media on February 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm

By polarii
Occasional satirist, TheDailySoapbox.org.uk
________________________________

The story broke earlier today, after a Downing Street source ratted the information to the Times.

Said a Conservative Party spokesman: ‘We’re delighted to add a new member to the Downing Street family. The Prime Minister has lots of experience looking after cats; Nick Clegg is David Cameron’s pussy.’

Ed Miliband was unavailable for comment, leading to allegations from Sky News that the Labour leader had gone to the dogs.

Justice Minister Ken Clarke quipped, ‘the cat’s got my tongue on this one. I never knew Dave could be so feline.’

Simon Hughes, Chairman of the Liberal Democats, said that they ‘had made great progress in making Britain more fur. It is only right,’ he continued, ‘that the Liberal Democats should get another cabinet seat, if only because Michael Gove thinks we’re too cute to move off the chair and into a basket.’ It is unknown how many basket-cases there are at Lib Dem HQ.

In a related story, several Labour peers were seen taking cat-naps in the House of Lords, though the effect of pointless news was disputed by the Guild of Journalists.

‘Miaow’ was the only comment from Ed Fur Balls, Shadow Chancellor.

Pundits suggest the rat problem at No. 10 is an encouraging sign for the government. “Rats tend to leave a sinking ship,” explained a spokeswoman for the RSPCA.

It is unclear what sort of rat problems the Prime Minister is facing. Britain’s most common is the Torat, which frequents all areas of government. However, a rare Liberal Demorat was seen scurrying across from No. 10 to No. 11. Liberal Demorats were previously thought to  inhabit only the Isle of Lundy and the Inner Hebrides. They are listed as ‘under threat’ by the electorate.

Fears were expressed for No. 11’s ‘ginger rodent’, Danny Alexander. And whether what we see in Downing Street is actually a Liberal Demorat has been seriously queried by several academics of note. “Liberal Demorats tend to live in disorganised collectives,” said Professor Phil Space, of the University of Former-Polytechnic, “whereas these rats in Downing Street tend to behave for individual ends, and drink lots of port. And unlike most Liberal Demorats, they have made their offspring pay for their own education.” The average Liberal Demorat has an IQ of 16.

Baroness Neville-Jones, the government’s counter-terrorism advisor, said the measure was necessary to deter cat-burglars. Balls of string and bags of cat food were seen being brought into the back entrance of No. 10 for the bankers’ new pet, George Osborne.

However, the problem was felt worthy of further consideration by Dr Schroedinger, of the University of Schleswig-Baden. He said “So long as the cat is in No. 10, we cannot observe it, and so it must be both a Liberal Democat and a Conservatabby.”

Aleksandr Orlov, the Russian internet tycoon, remarked, “It mere cat. Why make such fuss about it?”

An Ipsos/Mori poll for the Sun today suggests that 8 out of 10 cats prefer the Conservatives. The Conservatabby was unavailable for comment.

IN OTHER NEWS: Mark Thompson defends BBC News budgets – denies relevance of news is decreasing

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